Men In the Bible I Would Kiss
A few years ago, a group of friends and I had a Powerpoint night and this is what I chose to present:
I reposted it to my Instagram story, and an overwhelming number of h*rny people asked me to email them the link. So I decided — you know what? Why not give the people what they want and just share it here?
Obviously, this is very niche. There’s a certain amount of Erica lore you’ll need to catch up on to truly find the humor, but I’ll try my best to make it feel like we’re real-life besties.
So grab a glass of wine, take a seat on your living room couch, and imagine me delivering this presentation with the same conviction as Scandal's Olivia Pope answering questions in the White House Press Room.
1) Joseph
If you know me personally, you know that I love men who’ve been to jail, men who’ve seen tragedy, and men who love justice. Joseph is that guy. The Bible’s first hottie, if you will.*
His Lore
Joseph is introduced to us in Genesis as a shepherd by trade, dreamer by nature, and a problem 24/7.
He was his Daddy’s favorite and his brothers’ biggest issue. Spoiled, with low EQ and an even lower ability to read the room, Joseph ran his mouth to his brothers about dreams that they’d one day bow down to him. All while flexin’ in a multi-colored coat that would do numbers on StockX today.
Baby, you don’t tell your eleven underpaid shepherd brothers you’re about to rule over them. That’s how you end up in a ditch and sold into slavery.2
Joseph later became what I am calling… a butler to a bored housewife whose name we still don’t know BTW. She made passes at him, but he curved her multiple times.
Embarrassed, her petty azz accused Joseph of rape to her extremely well-connected husband and Joseph was locked up for on false charges for years.
In prison, Joseph held on to his faith and used his gift of dream interpretation on his cellmates.
A right place, right time situation eventually landed him a seat as second-in-command to the king of Egypt- fulfilling the dreams he’d spoken about decades before.
If you know the story, then you know what happens next: he basically saves the world, so… duh, I would make out with him.
2) Joshua
Tyler Perry wishes he could write a telenovela as messy as Moses wrote Exodus. Between box-office movie plagues like blood in the Nile and the miraculous splitting of the Red Sea, this bachelor doesn’t get the attention he deserves.
Moses skimped on the real tea about Joshua’s life, so I fantasize about him as a man with quiet confidence and BDE.
His Lore
Obviously had a very cool job. I mean, first he was Moses’ exec assistant, then he led the Israelites through the Jordan River, broke down the walls of Jericho, made the sun stand still, and torched every town OTW to the Promised Land.
Seems like a lot of responsibility to carry. Like, I’d want to be there massaging his shoulders, listening to him talk about which scene from Game of Thrones he had to live out that day.
Maybe even, you know, imagine myself as Mrs. Promised Land. I don’t know though… it’s a lot being a First Lady. What if he got war PTSD and I woke up in a headlock? Or worse?
I’d live for his stories. I just know he had so much tea! Bet he’d only spill the juicy stuff during pillow talk, and I’d 100% get turned into a pillar of salt for violating my NDA and telling my girls.
But, hey, you win some, you lose some. Definitely not going out without a kiss from this short king.*
3) Gideon/Jonah
These the type of men that’ll have you in a state of delusion clouded by “potential.” Good people? Sure. But baby, them habits? Diabolical.
They’re not exactly “bad boys” - more like stubborn black sheep. Mysterious. Naturally cool. Misunderstood. A little rebellious…
They want to do good, but only on their terms. They’re kind, but only to a select few.
Like, if I ask one not to vape around me, he won’t, but you on the other hand? Oh, you’re getting trapped in a cloud of blueberry mango.
If a Gideon/Jonah type finds a cause worthy enough, he’ll show up fully, but everything else in their life is met with nonchalant-dreadhead energy.
When one of these avoidant lil shyts finally grows up, this is who I live out my cool-girl Zoe Kravitz/Channing Tatum fantasy with.
And we’ll seal it with kiss in the back of the church auditorium.
4) David
Okay, so I feel like the majority of the Old Testament is about David? Like I lowkey feel like he got more attention than God.
His Lore
Listen. King David’s life was a damn Tubi movie.
He grew up in an abusive home (well, not abusive-abusive, but what do you call it when a kid’s fighting for his life against bears and lions on a farm instead of playing TechDecks at middle school lunch? And his own dad forgets he exists when company shows up?) Yeah. Somebody call CPS.
You probably know him for killing Goliath with a sling, but did you know he was twelve? I’m serious - call CPS.
Anyway, so boom - out of nowhere, a prophet anoints David to be king. Next thing you know, he’s out of the pasture and in King Saul’s palace, booked and busy.
Now, King Saul was a crashout. He was basically Diddy without the baby oil. And since Spotify’s “god took his hand off me but i’m still loud monday evening” Daylist wasn’t a thing yet, he made David his personal exorcist to play the harp and calm his nerves.
But then David got a little too popular. The streets dropped a hit:
“Saul killed thousands, David tens of thousands”
And you know the fragile male ego can’t take that. Spears flew, a Drake vs. Kendrick-level beef ignited, and David was on the run till Saul finally flatlined.
After that, King David was outside. Winning wars. Conquering land. Situationships left and right. He was literally him. Duke Dennis energy.
The power definitely got to his head, though. King David took slacking off at work to a whole new level one day.
He was on his roof, checking the scenery out, and somehow “accidentally” had sex with married woman, got her pregnant, and then killed her husband.
Mess.
Anyways, if you’re nosey: Read 1 Samuel - 2 Kings for the tea and Psalms for his trauma dumps about constantly being plotted on. It’s all there.
David’s the type of guy I'd normally avoid at all costs, considering he’s the community bop, but I’d kiss him to see what the hype was about.
5) Solomon
Follows 1K baddies, has 500M followers. Highlights: 👑WISDOM✝️ • 🍑👯♀️ATL🥃💵 • 🌴TURKS👙 • ✈️DUBAI🐪🏎️ • 🇫🇷🥐PARIS🍷🗼• 🎰🔥VEGAS🃏🍾
His Lore
This is messy, but Solomon is David’s son that he had with that married lady. The Bible doesn’t mention that he was hot, but it does mention that he was the wisest man who ever lived. And from that, I can gather that he was also the funniest.
I know that Solomon would have me so dead and even if he wasn’t funny, I’d still be laughing because that man was RICH AF.
The PG-13 version of what I was gonna say is that I’d trap Solomon. He was a bop just like his daddy, so I wouldn’t let him touch me. I’d just let the Holy Spirit get me pregnant with his baby. Modern-day Mary type sh*t.
Sol would obviously give me a wing in his main house and I’d spend my days doing hauls archived luxury hauls on TikTok. Still running For Happiness and Sorrows of course, because content.
In my free time, I’d take our baby on strolls through our gardens, let her pet our giraffes, wave at our flamingoes, and work to perfect her fake cry for the diamond-studded Audemars she’ll need resized in about six months.
6) Nehemiah
I swear, nothing on earth is a bigger turn on than a man who’s gotta clock in at 5 AM.
His Lore
Nehemiah basically ran God’s construction company.
I literally can’t even remember his story in The Bible, so please do your own research. Just babbling ATP, but I do remember that he was a shot caller and absolutely not here for the BS.
I like Nehemiah because I can count on him to not get on my nerves. Like he’s literally working.* He’ll send a text throughout the day to check in, but like… he has a job.
I don’t see him being that much into pop culture or fashion. Like he definitely gets his clothes from Sam’s Club, but that’s fine because he can put that money towards a nice date for us at a steakhouse.
Nehemiah is who I want to kiss my hand as we’re cruising down the interstate in his King Ranch truck listening to Morgan Wallen.
I just KNOW he’d make me feel like a lady.
7) Daniel
He’s the real deal. God-fearing. A leader. Confident but not cocky. Approachably hot. Got that “I’ll pray with you and pay your rent” energy.
Daniel’s the kind of man to make you empty your roster and start googling ring sizes after one convo.
His Lore
Where do I even begin? Steady under pressure.
There’s just something so hot about someone who gets thrown into fire and doesn’t get burned. Or tossed into a lions’ den and they bow at his feet.
A little backstory: Daniel’s home country was in shambles. He and his boys were exiled to Babylon, a city that was really different from his native culture, especially when it came to faith.
Despite death threats and constant pressure to fold, Daniel stayed solid, prayed like his life depended on it (because it did), and God made him the royal court’s MVP.
Daniel’s faith caused the kings to repent and highkey changed the course of history. For that, he gets a reserved seat at the cookout and can kiss me for life.
8) Shammah
She don’t want no puppy, she want A BIG DAWG!
I’m on all fours for Shammah. He’s hot. He’s honestly like… probably dumb, but a good time for sure.
Always see him out. Great vibe. Good energy. Don’t really like him or see a future with him, but definitely fun for the plot.
His Lore
One of the mighty men in David’s army. Basically a legendary war hero for taking down a pack of guys by himself. Again… hot. I wonder what else he could take down.
9) Johnathan
He’s just sooo sweet!!! And had quite the glow up recently, and honestly… I’m lookin’. 👀
Messy because Jonathan and David are BFFs, but I can’t help who that man is friends with.
His Lore
Jonathan is Saul’s son. You know, Saul-Saul who made David his b*tch/target dummy? Yeah.
What’s tea is that Jonathan was in line to become king by tradition, but God chose David. Instead of being butt-hurt, jealous, and rejected, Jonathan became besties with David.
Once Jonathan realized Saul wanted David dead, he made it his mission to look out for him.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Jonathan does face some... allega(y)tions (which very well could be true), but they don’t stop me from wanting to give this sweet pea a little peck on the cheek.
Thanks so much for reading! Need to know - who is your Bible crush? Let me know in the comments :)
Footnotes
In that he is the first mentioned and the first chased. I love that Moses went out of his way to tell us this in Genesis. Like he didn’t even write this about himself and that’s hilarious to me. ↩︎
Those “alpha male” Instagram accounts didn’t exist back then, so Joseph had no concept of moving in silence. ↩︎
There is no biblical basis for this claim, I just feel it in my gut. ↩︎
And barely on social media. His last posts are a black square tile from 2020 and a college graduation pic from 2014. ↩︎